The first word out of my ex-husband’s mouth was usually, “No.” It didn’t matter what I was asking. It didn’t matter if the answer was actually no. Or yes. Or maybe. Or sort of. Jasen would formulate the ‘No’ in his mouth before I finished asking the question, ready to speak it as soon as I stopped talking. If the real answer was something other than what he said, I’d say, “So the answer is yes even though you said no,” and he’d say, “Yeah.” But the no came first. Erroring on the side of ‘No’ is something he (and his entire family) does. Such a negative family.

What someone has done before is usually the best indicator of what will happen next time

By contrast, the first word out of my girlfriend’s mouth is, “Right.” It may not always be the answer to a question. Sometimes, ‘Right’ is a lead-in or transition word, helping her pivot to describing something that happened. Sometimes, it is her answer to my question. And if the answer is ‘No,’ she often doesn’t blatantly say so. She’ll say, “To a degree” or “Not exactly.” She doesn’t put me down with her answer or make me feel like I’m wrong for asking the question in the first place. Instead, she affirms me.

I remember when I put this negative/positive contrast together. I noticed ‘No’ was Jasen’s first response many years ago. It must have been around 2008 or 2009 when I asked him to stop saying no when he really meant yes. (He didn’t stop.) Then sometime this summer, I realized that my girlfriend’s first response would often be, “Right.” She’s a person I talk to consistently, almost every day. To get a completely different response from her lips than the negativity I’d lived with for more than 20 years is refreshing!

Speak Words That Matter

Affirming words make such a difference. Hearing words that affirm helps me to be more productive and more effective throughout the day. It keeps a smile on my face and happy thoughts in my head. Words of affirmation is my #1 love language. Affirming me (or being positive in general) makes me want to be around you.