Yesterday was awful. In an 18-hour period, I had two full-blown anxiety attacks. As you know from reading my book, I experience anxiety when I’m not allowed to be me. Two different times and in two different ways, I was shown how who I am is not accepted by the “normal” world.

It started with a date. I met a guy who took me to dinner. This was my second first date in 25 years (Shaq mentioned in chapter 25 of FREAK was my first). And for the second time, I was only pursued by the guy so he could get laid. He didn’t want to get to know me. He didn’t want deep connection with me. He wanted my vagina. That’s it.

I cried deafeningly for three hours after that date. Not because the date didn’t go well, but because it showed me that being asexual isn’t an accepted identity and that my sexual boundaries have to be wrapped even tighter around me.

The second anxiety attack came when applying for assistance from an organization that helps abused women. I had to fill out assessments covering depression, anxiety, sleep, trauma, and immediate danger. Ironically, anxiety consumed me while filling out the assessment on anxiety. It had me replaying the “forced rules” to qualify for certain state benefits where I’ve had to log 30 hours a week applying for jobs. If you’ve read my book, then you know I don’t get hired that way… I get overlooked. Doing things “their way” was keeping me from achieving things my way, being who I am. In fact, just last week I was interviewed via phone and laughed at for thinking I stood a chance at getting a hotel management position when I’ve “never been a hotel manager before.”

I bawled my eyes out as I completed that anxiety assessment. Remember when I said, “Even when you think you’re fine, you’re not fine”? I meant it. I moved across the country a few months ago, and I am still severely injured, emotionally damaged from a lifetime of mistreatment. The good news is there are people prepared to help us in our time of need.

You’re Not Alone

I still have my best friend and my mother, both of whom I spoke to in the midst of these attacks. They lifted my spirits and helped me remember my importance. I also have this organization providing me with shelter and other much-needed aid. They don’t see me as a helpless victim. Rather, they see me as an inspirational woman with a story to tell who simply needs some help getting back on her feet.

When anxiety comes, take a moment. Cry. Scream. Do what you have to do to let the emotions out. Then lean on those God has placed in your path. They want to support you. They are there to take care of you. You are not a burden; you’re the reason for their existence. They are there FOR YOU! So lean in.