Today marks one year of being free from the forced abhorrence of the wifely duty that was physical sex with my (now ex-) husband. I am one year sex free! They should make a chip for that, sorta like they do in AA but for abuse victims who’ve escaped captivity.
I am asexual. I didn’t know I was asexual until I had sex. I didn’t have sex until my wedding night. By then, it was too late to get out and be the me that I truly am. So, I struggled for nearly 24 years, having sex literally thousands of times, battling between my committed obligation and my sexual identity. However, I escaped. I got out from a lifetime of traumatic sexual assault and complete disregard for my psychological makeup and mental health. Today, I am liberated, rejuvenated, and living my best life free from sex! Feels great!
Most people don’t understand what it means to be asexual. Many have tried to convince me it was simply that I was with a man who didn’t know how to please me. Asexuality is not about pleasure; it is about necessity. I do not need to have sex. I also did not enjoy having it, especially since part of me felt guilty for constantly committing what was in my eyes a heinous act. The former refers to my identity; the latter amplifies that identity.
Yes, while someone else may give me moments of pleasure between the sheets, it still doesn’t negate the fact that I do not need sex to have a fulfilling romantic relationship. In fact, being asexual puts greater distance between me and others who desire sex and regard it as something high in relationship priority. Does that mean I’m lonely? Hell no! I do not crave an incompatible partner. Actually, I do not crave a partner at all. The loneliest I’ve ever been was being married to someone who not only didn’t know who I was but who stopped caring to learn who I was. That was lonely, and I did it for decades!
Alone & Sex Free Sounds Good to Me!
Being alone and free from the obligation of sex, something that directly goes against my sexual identity, is a tremendously soul-satisfying experience. I wouldn’t trade what I’m feeling now for any relationship that may be out there.
I’ll take alone and free any day!